I could feel the tension in my shoulders and the breathe my lungs seeming to restrict. I was worried about something again.
This is always how my anxiety starts, with tension. Tension from stress and stress from... well, it could be anything.
These day's it feel like everything stresses me out and I hate it. Which adds to the tension which adds to the stress...
Not a fun cycle get stuck in.
So I bring it to God. "Lord, what's really bothering me?"
I look up to the mountain scape outside my window and a question surfaces out of the jumble of thoughts in my head, "Am I doing enough?"
It so happened that particular day I had a slight health issue occur that made me have to rest. My movement needed to be somewhat limited so homeschooling was out of the question and so was any outside activities or appointments.
I was stuck on my butt. And I really don't like being stuck, much less on my butt.
Knowing it was just the that day and it wasn't going to last long... I still couldn't help but feel like the question still seemed relevant.
Home is a beautiful place to be... but home was where I was so often. My boutique is run from my home office, we homeschool at home... It can get lonely.
There is so much I want to do with this life. Am I doing enough?
I look up to the mountain scape again and remembered how God brought us here. From our tiny 1000 sq. ft. apartment to a 5 acre house with room to roam.
Whenever I begin feeling anxious it usually has something to do with the absence of gratitude.
"Lord, thank you for this life you have given me to live. Help me not to squander it by wondering if there is more I should be doing or if there is more out there for me. Because I am here. And it is from here that you will continue to do wonderful and powerful things in my life. Give me eye's to see your hand at work in the here and now, and help me not want for more, but to be diligent with what you have given me (us)."
Peace filled my spirit after that prayer. The stress began to dissipate and even the grass out my window began to looked a little greener.
I have often missed the blessings around me by getting lost in what I think I want or what I don't currently have.
By remembering here is where I am, and doing and going where the spirit leads, I can rest assured here is where I need to be. There is much to be done here.
There are seasons of hardship and seasons of ease... The seasons of hardship make us want out. In those seasons I remember this; I worship a God of newness and constant change.
Where I am is not where I will always be.
I want to be open to whatever God has for me. If I am worried or stressed, I feel like it will be harder to feel His nudges or hear His voice. I am also reminded to bring the things that are on my heart to God. To have Him help me examine them for what they are or might become.
I don't want to miss out on His plan and propose for my life.
Am I listening, or am I wanting?