Bitterness, Hate, Jealousy {a story of restoration}

Bitterness, Hate, Jealousy {a story of restoration}

When we sold our house I had a sinking feeling the reason we had to sell was because I was not worthy of it.

I put that house on a pedestal. It was my trophy. It was something that took years of hard work to afford and we built from the ground up. We customized the paint colors, the cabinets and the flooring. It was everything we wanted it to be. And then all the sudden, it was gone.

I didn't really win the prize. It was a mistake. I was not worthy to have such a nice thing. What hurt the most was my kids were effected by my lack of worthiness. They couldn't even have the basics of a back yard to play in because our move from our dream house was to an apartment. 

A 1000 sq. ft. apartment that after a while, felt smaller and smaller. I hated every second there. I was angry, bitter and felt completely humiliated. Everyone knew why we had to sell. We made to many mistakes.

This was what I thought I deserved and I didn't want it. I wanted what I had. 

I wreaked of bitterness.

I believed every lie the enemy told me. Looking back I can see the lies for what they were.

Have you, sweet friend, ever been trapped in the mindset that you are not enough?

Let's just expose those lies shall we?

There is neither Jew nor Greek. There is neither slave nor free. There is neither male nor female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. Galations 3:28

In other words, in the family of God, there in no room for discrimination based on our differences. Jesus has united us all through our faith in Christ.

I was not being discriminated against. I was discriminating others because they had more than me.

WOW. True revaluation moment.

Not only that, the barriers I felt, were the barriers I put up.

The lie I believed I was, 'I was not enough.' That was something I adopted as a ugly pet. The hairless ones that look like they have rabies. Ew.

Nothing I believed in those moments were biblical. I felt embarrassed and instead of reaching out for help, I turned inward to lick my wounds. Wounds I only made bigger and worse. Not a pretty picture.

But God

Oh the overwhelming love of God. He pursued me, wouldn't let me sit in that bitterness. God found me again and again and again. Truth is I kept trying to hid from Him but He kept searching me out.

Not because He had to. Because He loved me to much to let me believe the lies of the enemy.

He spoke truths over me I needed to hear.

He revealed to me what I was doing to myself and once I finally saw it all for what it was, I repented.

Repentance grants freedom friends. Let it go. Give it to God. Live under His umbrella of love.

Letting go of that stuff was not easy. Friends it took a long time. 2 years to be exact.

See, we were in that apartment for a reason. There was nothing to do there. No yard work, no home decor projects (because I convinced myself we wouldn't be there long enough to do anything). I sat there in my bitterness while God slowly pealed back each rotten layer. Gently, lovingly, beautifully He pulled me from my bitterness back into the truth and light.

Granted. I still struggle with the fact that we are renters, we've since moved to a rental on acreage (praise Jesus Hallelujah). We are in a much better place, spiritually, mentally, physically.

It's okay to still struggle. Truth is we will always struggle. The struggle isn't the problem. It is through the struggle that God molds and makes us. As long as we are honest in our struggle. Honest with Him, honest with ourselves. Then we can overcome. 

I know bitterness. Friend, you don't want it. It corners you, speaks lies to you, makes you feel like your the only one. It makes you hate. Draws lines between you and God, you and your spouse, even you and your children.

I had to sit in my bitterness for a while. Writing this post. thinking back to that time I felt that cold bitter feeling once again and it scared me. I don't ever want to go back there.

If you are there. There is a way out. You have to be honest though. There is going to be so much ugly that pours out it will probably shock you. It did me. When I finally let it all out, I could breathe! It literally felt like a weight off my chest. There was a tinge of guilt for what true feelings were revealed but I wouldn't dare take it back, I finally free.

If you are struggling with hate, bitterness or jealously, (I believe if you are struggling with one you are probably struggling with all three) know this: It can be a painfully slow process toward healing. But it's worth it. Most importantly, you don’t have to have what it takes. If you don't feel like you have the strength, that's okay. The ability to fix broken is God’s business. Inviting Him into the brokenness is where healing begins, where you should begin. After healing, there is restoration. It's all about surrender.

God has so many wonderful things in store for you. But you have to leave behind what doesn't serve you. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. It's suppose to be. That will ensure you cling to God with every fiber of your being.

We were made to have a relationship to Him. We were made to be ever dependent on Him. Clinging to Him means you allowing Him be be sovereign over your life. That's a good place to be.

The world will say you shouldn't be dependent on anybody. To build your life in such a way that you are God of your own world, self sufficient.

The bible says dependence on God is healthy, good, and right. It's not living for our own selfish desires rather, it's living for Him.

Do you believe God to be provider and in control? Or do you want that control and provision for yourself?

Let go. Fall into His loving embrace. He will catch you!

xoxo - Lesly Birkland

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